Lobodomy or Hysterectemy?

I have gotten migraines…every single month without fail…since I was seventeen years old. If you’ve never had a migraine, you are the luckiest person on God’s green earth in my opinion. They suck. They suck hard. When they throb behind your eyeball insistently for hours on end, they suck giant, hairy donkey balls.

Over the counter meds just take the edge off for a short time. Prescription meds come with so many side effects, they make the migraine seem almost tolerable. I’m considering other avenues as I get older and braver. Pot works for glaucoma and chemo, right? The friend who comes to fold my bulletins at the church where I work sees an acupuncturist for her arthritis. I wonder how that would go? Would I look like that scary creature from “Hell Raiser?”

If the “every month” description wasn’t obvious enough for you, I get the migraines because, well, I’m a woman. It comes with all the other wonders of being a woman, like cramps, bloating, spontaneous acne, mood swings like a meth-addled spider monkey, and, of course, the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” in my pants( or Scream, or Nightmare on Elm Street, or Saw…Put your favorite gory, bloody movie here). All those things have their own level of suckiness, but they pale in comparison to the migraine.

Not only does my head hurt, usually behind the eyeball, but light and sound exacerbate the pain, and just in case that wasn’t enough, when it gets bad, it starts to make me feel nauseous too. Usually, it mercifully occurs in the evening, and I can just go to bed and wait (unless I’m working nights, then out come the donkey balls). On extra special months, I’ll get up to three in a row. Sometimes they wait until all the other crap is over and done, so nothing steals their thunder.

I can be anthropomorphic with my migraine because it honestly feels like a demon that plagues my brain. If only that were really true. Then I could just get a good ol’ exorcism and be done with it. “The Power of Christ commands you!” (God that was a scary movie!). Lobotomy’s are bad, right?

I’ve been told my type of migraine (I’m not using the “M” or the “P” word, and you can’t make me) is caused by the increase, and then swift decrease, in estrogen, doing something screwy with brain chemicals. That’s why the MAOI drugs don’t work. “All you can do is mask the symptoms.” and “take more Excedrine.”

Or pull out all the lady parts? It’s not like anyone can see them. Who would notice? Don’t mind me. I’m just babbling because my head hurts so f%#cking much!

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