Self Forgiveness

Lately, I’ve had a spare moment in the morning between when my husband leaves for work and my new full time job starts. I finally found the motivation and energy to write a little something. I noticed the last blog post was from February. That’s pretty awful for a writer who hopes to maintain an audience, I know.

If you are angry with me for my lack of blog writing (never mind book writing. Sheesh), I’m sorry, but your disappointment in my lack of progress is nothing compared to mine.

I learned a long time ago that I will never live up to my own expectations. I will never be as good as I believe I’m suppose to be, never be as successful, never be as organized, never be as insightful or ready.

But my worst failing is never forgiving myself for being a human being with flaws and ineptitude that preclude me from being the perfect specimen of writer, wife, friend, daughter, and now mother that I believe is necessary for acceptance from the rest of the world.

That, unfortunately, is a flaw that my main character inherited from me, though I doubt it was done with any intention on my part. Bernice runs and hides from those who care about her because she can’t seem to come to terms with her apparent failings in life. She leaves those who need her most because she believes they’d be better off without her.

But the problem with being alone for too long is the voices in ones head start to sound more convincing and logical than they should. And rarely do they ever utter the words, “you’re good enough.”

So, in my tardiness of offering anything that resembles new writing with which to entertain you, I apologize, but I have to give myself a break right now and accept that the writing will come when I let it. Meanwhile, I’m busy enjoying my chubby, drool covered, babbling new job who sucks up most of my attention, adoration, and energy.

Enjoy your summer. I may write again. Book 6 is about 1/3 done. So we’ll see. In the sage pseudo words of my new demanding boss: “gnagnagna ah ba ha aieeeee!” or something to that effect. It’s hard to articulate with big bird’s squishy beak shoved in ones mouth.

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