Watching the MAN RULES crop up on the internet again, and watching women flocking to gush about how insightful they are, I feel compelled to make my own list. I, however, will not be making a WOMAN RULES list. This battle of the sexes thing is fine when you’re single and have nothing really to forfeit except your sanity and maybe that futon you two bought together. It’s a different story when you’re married.

Marriage is a game changer. I’ve lived with guys before. I’ve dated guys long term before. When you commit to relinquishing ownership of half of your stuff; when you cannot be compelled to testify against another person in a court of law; when you become sole beneficiary to someone else’s entire legacy (good and bad) after they leave this earth, simply by signing a sheet of paper, the RULES change. So here are some things I would like to list about making this serious commitment to my husband for more than a decade:

1. NOTHING IS JUST ABOUT YOU EVER AGAIN.
No one in a marriage gets to be a completely selfish being anymore. In exchange for emotional and financial support, your entire existence becomes a series of compromises. If you figuratively sutured yourself to this other person on the basis of love and fundamental compatibilities, that should be a fairly painless thing. If you spent your entire engagement in a self-induced fantasy about fixing the other person, my condolences to the spectators of your constant drama.

2. ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN TOILET SEAT.
This list also applies to the toothpaste tube, the crumbs on the couch, talking during TV shows, and a host of other insignificant peevish irritants that can and will crop up when you share a space with another human being who is not you. Do you honestly think that when you are rushing to the emergency room to see what happened to your spouse, you’ll be thinking, “Thank God, one night where I don’t have to move the toilet seat,”? Of course not, because when you love someone enough to marry them, you love ALL of them, and it’s those annoying habits that imprint them to your psyche. Intimacy is not always pretty.

3. RESPECT THE WEIRD SHIT THAT YOUR SPOUSE IS INTO THAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.
Do a mental check right now. Does your husband or wife get totally obsessed over subjects that you don’t get at all? If the answer is no, call the authorities, because your significant other is either a robot or an alien. We all have weird shit. It could be fantasy sports, or gardening, or fashion, or junk collecting, or anime, or quilting, or court TV, or politics, or any number of perfectly legal hobbies (I would hope). Just because you don’t get it doesn’t mean you get to mock it (an least not maliciously). Even though you are part of a couple, you both still need separate interests that are just yours. When we are allowed to do things that make us happy, we are nicer to those around us.

4. ARGUE MORE OFTEN SO THE COPS ARE CALLED LESS.
The problem with setting hard fast rules in a relationship is it usually takes away the wiggle room from compromise and gives it to resentment. Resentment is an insidious monster when left unchecked. It can grow out of control when given the proper environment of passive aggressive silence that masks itself to the outside world as domestic bliss. If you have a beef with your spouse, voice it loud and clear. Resentment is really just the pain surrounding a problem. Deal with the problem as a couple. You are in this together. (If you married each other because you are both drama magnets who get turned on by conflict, get a safe word and apologize to your neighbors)

5. DON’T GET A ROOM.
Through all the social mores that distance human beings from each other, there is one person you are allowed and encouraged to show affection to, your spouse (kids are a whole different ball of wax. Don’t change the subject). I’m not saying to clean each others teeth with your tongues at the dinner table during Thanksgiving. But don’t knock holding hands, a tasteful but lingering kiss hello or goodbye, a back or shoulder rub while you’re sitting together. These may seem like insubstantial gestures from the outside, but they can make such a difference in the long haul. Gentle gestures of physical touch in the presence of others affirms your commitment to each other. Those little attempts to offer love and comfort will get you through the tough times, even better than a romp in the sack (although I highly recommend practicing both on a regular basis). Don’t take the privilage of physical intimacy with your spouse for granted. If you don’t foster that bond, you could lose it.

6. LIFE IS ALREADY A BITCH (OR BASTARD). DON’T BE ONE TOO.
When you sign a marriage license, you and your spouse are contractually bound to be partners. You have signed on to be an ally with your partner against whatever the world has to throw at you both for the duration of your marriage, presumably for the rest of your lives. The reality of being a grownup is a landmine of catastrophes just waiting to blindside you at every turn. Being a grownup can also offer up unbelievable joys and blessings. Being married to someone who loves you and whom you love means you get built-in help to shoulder your troubles and have a built-in cheerleader to celebrate life’s triumphs with you. Alienating your partner for your own selfish reasons hurts you both. See Number One.

That’s it. I am no expert on marriage or the sexes. These are just some things that I’ve learned from my life experience as a wife. With any luck I’ll get the privilege of learning more in the next several decades.

Take that, Man Rules!

Comments are closed.